The day I attempted suicide was two days before I was due back at college for the spring semester. My mom called the school and they decided they did not want "someone like me" to come back. This was by far the lowest point in my life. I had no hope for the future. I had no goals. I had no dreams. I was drifting aimlessly about trying to find something to cling to for support.
To say that I strayed from my upbringing would be a major understatement. I did some things in those few months that I thought I would never do. This is where life got harder. The comments that the so-called Christians made about me were harsh, cruel, and totally false. I didn't know what I wanted to be, but I didn't want to be like that. One pastor's wife said that I "couldn't be saved because God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of a sound mind".
I'd like to tell you that if you take medications for blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, headaches...ANY ailment, and you criticize folks for taking a medication for depression, you are a hypocrite! Yes, I do mean that! How foolish can you be to accept that any of your body's organs can malfunction except for your brain? No, we should not be dependent on medications. I don't even take anything for depression now, but I did when this happened. I don't think I would have survived without them. My mind was not working right. I could not think clearly. When the chemicals in my brain got leveled out, I began to think rationally. That, my friends, should be a warning to each of us that we need to be careful what we put into our bodies. Your spirit can be "depressed" by something you put into your body.
I am in no way denying or excusing sin here. I would like to say that looking back on my life, I pity the folks that knew me back then. I was the most self-absorbed and miserable person you would ever meet! That is hard to admit, but oh so true! I hurt a lot of people because I only cared about me.
Depression is NOT always caused by some sin in your life. Some people have a natural disposition to it and they must fight that daily. I believe that my depression is a little of both. I only experience freedom when I take my eyes off of me and my circumstances and place them on Christ and His glory. I know that sounds simple, but it is not! The flesh is not glorified yet and it fights this freedom daily! I just want you to know that if you are experiencing depression, first check your spiritual condition, but don't rule out seeking medical help. There is no shame in seeking help. I have learned that no matter what you do someone will not like it so live your life to please the Saviour.
I started working at the hospital again. I had some very good friends that encouraged me greatly during that time. I began going to church and God began healing my heart and mind. After a few months, I met my wonderful husband. We actually met online on a site where you meet people who share your beliefs. He came to my church one Sunday and met me in person. I can say I believe in "love at first sight". It was only seven months later that we were married! I know that's crazy! We did rush it, but God has tremendously blessed us with a good marriage and two wonderful children. (We have one in Heaven too.)
I am not a finished product. I am learning to take every day as it comes and do all I can on that day to please the Lord Jesus Christ. Without Him, I would not be breathing. Without Him, I am nothing. I shared this story with you all because I want you to know that no matter what situation you find yourself in, you are not alone. I know you feel alone, but He is there. He hears your cries. He longs to be near to your heart. He cares.
To those of you who know someone going through this: please be sensitive! Don't let Satan use you as a "accuser of the Brethren". I'll tell you that when someone has reached a point like I did, words don't do much to help. Be a friend like Job's friends were and just be with the person. Let them know that you care about their hurt and that you don't judge them. This is a time when God can use you to save a life if you are sensitive to His Spirit. Don't let the "cares of this world" keep you from seeing others through the eyes of Jesus.
Thank you for taking the time to read this part of my life.